NBA, NFL, or ....

Another Forward from work, not sure if it's true or not (I am highly suspect) but I figured I would pass it on anyways

GUESS WHICH ONE.......
 Even if you aren't a sports fan this is very interesting!

36 have been accused of spousal abuse

7 have been arrested for fraud

19 have been accused of writing bad checks

117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

3 have done time for assault 71 repeat 71
cannot get a credit card due to bad credit 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges 8 have been arrested for shoplifting

21 currently are defendants in lawsuits,
and
84 have been arrested for drunk driving
in the last year


Can
you guess which organization this is?
NBA Or NFL?


Neither,
it's the 535 members of the
United States Congress

The same group of Idiots that crank out
hundreds of new laws each year
designed to keep the rest of us in line.

Being good

Groggily, I awoke from the deep black sleep. Something was cautioning me to get up, my Papa senses were tingling, just then I heard my wife’s voice calling for my daughter, “FAITH!!!! FAITH! FAITH!” It wasn’t the  get-over-here-your-in -trouble yell to which I’ve grown accustom. This was a frantic, sort of terrified scream.

I leaped out of bed, grabbed my jeans as I was running down the hall and somehow managed to slide into them before rushing out the garage door. I was worried because I could hear the worry in my wife’s tone. I went flying by Kellee to try and take control of the situation.  If you’re a parent you understand the fear that grips your heart. I was preparing for the worst; someone had taken my daughter, she was hit by a car, or that kind of thing. I saw nothing. The street was quiet this particular early afternoon, someone must have snatched her.

But before my suspicions could grow, my wife stopped me, “Oh, I’m sorry honey. I can’t find Faith but I think she’s over at Chuck’s house (the boy her age that lives across the street), I’ve already told her not to go over there.”

So, I stood in the middle of our cul-de-sac and screamed at the top of my lungs, “Faith Ann!!!! Get over here now!!!!” A couple of seconds later my daughter peered around the side of Chuck’s house with Chuck following close behind, her chocolate brown eyes doublewide. And she had that look all over her face. I could tell, because it’s one I’ve worn myself a time or two.

I wore the same expression when I was Faith’s age after my parents picked me up from my friends Halloween party where we snuck into the refrigerator and drank a couple of beers. When my parent’s asked, I couldn’t hide the face, I knew I couldn’t lie my way through the lagers.

I wore the same expression the summer before my 9^th grade year, in my summer fling’s backyard, making out in her pool while the parents were gone. When suddenly her Dad appeared and said he had been watching us for ten minutes. I knew I was guilty before the court, and as he told my friends and me, He was the Judge, Jury, and Executioner. I was guilty. Surprisingly though, he was more upset that my friends were jumping off the diving board onto his boogie boards than he was that I was smooching on his daughter.

Anyhow, Faith had the look written all over her face.  We went inside the house and I took my seat on the couch, smiled and very softly began to dialogue with my daughter.

"Did you know your mom told you not to go over to Chuck’s and to stay in our front yard?"

"Yes, Papa."

"So, why did you go over there when you were instructed not to?"

"I don’t know Papa."

"What were you doing on the side of chuck’s house?"

"Um….well, papa we were just talking?"

(Papa senses tingling like crazy!) "What were you talking about?"

"Ummm…about being good! Me and Chuck were just talking about how we need to be good Papa."

"Faith, stick out your tongue."

My daughter reluctantly agreed.

My eyes widened, my nose flared! I told her, “Faith there are huge bumps all over your tongue. You’re lying to me.”

This was an old technique my mom used to sniff out the lies before we knew better.

Faith's doublewide eyes enlarged even more. Now she was starting to shake a little. It probably helped that she had just recently watched Pinocchio.

I shook my head in disappointment, “Faith go to your room and think about what you’re telling me.”

Ten minutes later I called her back out, “Are you ready to tell me the truth?”

“Yes, Papa.”

What were you doing on the side of Chuck’s house.

"Well….ummm... Papa, I just… I just didn’t want you to know that we were not kissing."

"You were not kissing?"

 "Yeah, I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you to know that we were not kissing."

"Why would you tell me you were not kissing? I didn’t say anything about kissing. Why would you mention kissing if you were not kissing?"

Sure, I knew the answer, but there was some enjoyment in seeing my daughter squirm through her web of deceit.

Faith looked flustered and confused. She couldn’t untangle this lie.

Kellee stepped in and took over, “So, Faith what you’re really telling us is that you and chuck were kissing."

"Yes."

"What kind of kissing were you doing?"

Every muscle tightened, I didn’t want to hear the answer, but it came nonetheless.

"The good kind."

Faith then proceeded to show us by puckering her lips and making a couple of smooching sounds.

Growing Up Without a Cellphone

This is a Forward I received last night at work. Kinda silly, kinda true.

If you are 30, or older, you might think this is hilarious!
 
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... Barefoot.... BOTH ways… yadda, yadda, yadda 
 
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!  

But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.  You've got it so easy!  I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!   
And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!
 
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet.  If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!   
 
There was no email!!  We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen!   Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there!  Stamps were 10 cents! 
 
Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us.  As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe! 
 
There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes!  If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!
 
Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!  There were no CD players!  We had tape decks in our car...  We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless.  Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby!  Dig?
 
We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting!  If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it! 
 
There weren't any freakin' cell phones either.. If you left the house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOD !!!  Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!!  And then there's TEXTING.  Yeah, right.  Please!  You kids have no idea how annoying you are. 

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was!  It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent.. you just didn't know!!!  You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics!  We had the Atari 2600!  With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'.  Your screen guy was a little square!  You actually had to use your imagination!!!  And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... Forever!  And you could never win..  The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died!  Just like LIFE! 

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing!  You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!!  NO REMOTES!!!  Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!
 
There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning.  Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-finks!

And we didn't have microwaves..  If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove!  Imagine that!    

And our parents told us to stay outside and play.. all day long.  Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort.  And if you came back inside... you were doing chores!  

And car seats - oh, please!  Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on.  If you were lucky, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place!  

See!  That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten!  You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or any time before!

Regards,
The Over 30 Crowd   

My Daughter the Graduate

Well, we have finally achieved our high hopes and dreams for Faith's future! Of course you should know this was not her first choice, she remind me again that In-N-Out is really only the second best option in her life, "Their cheeseburger is good, but not as good as McDonalds."

Hit the PAVEMENT Running

I'm probably the last person to find out, it usually works that way, since I know longer read many music magazines, but did you know Pavement is doing a reunion tour???!!! I found out the other night while  perusing an old Rolling Stone Magazine floating around my work. Tears almost flooded my eyes. I've loved this band since I was 16 or 17 years old... but then again isn't everyone saying that these days? Still, I remember going to the Mad Platter in Riverside an purchasing Slanted and Enchanted for my 17th Birthday. That album has never let me down, it's one of the few that is still on a rotation of albums that I play so often.

You couldn't imagine my ecstasy when I found out the great news. I was giddy all night just thinking about finally getting to see one of my favorite bands from my tween years. Alas! only one California venue to catch them before they vanish for another 10 years and leave me once again in the purgatory of Stephen Malkmus and the Jicks.

Of course, I thought this would be a breeze getting my wife to sign off on a weekend getaway, but when I brought up the indisputable facts this was a PAVEMENT reunion tour, a must see event, my wife looked at me quizzically and asked "Whose PAVEMENT? Have you ever played me any of their albums"

GRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!

I guess it's my own fault. I did not push PAVEMENT they way I pushed Jawbreaker upon my wife.

Bad News

The other day my wife was sitting on the couch watching TV when my daughter came in a sat down beside her.

"What are you watching?"

"The News" my wife replied.

"Oh good! Now, I can learn about bad people!"

 I forgot to ask her what news channel she was viewing,  but my guess is it was FOX. ; o)

Political Cartoons