God loves you and has a wonderful plan for your life.

Crazy Calvin

This is a conversation I had with someone last year while I was camping with my family. I thought it was interesting at the time.

For the past three mornings, I would wake while there was still darkness in the sky and stars were slowly fading to take a five minute walk over to the only McDonald’s in town and get a coffee and a coke (the flavors together are sublime). This jaunt didn’t start out as a planned event. The first morning I woke up at 4:00 am with nothing to do, parched, and struggling in and out of sleep. I couldn’t get a drink out of the cooler because my cooler was in the Bear locker, and to open and shut the bear locker would involve banging and clanging that would wake the whole camp, and the camp was already beginning to show signs of revolt against my family for Faith’s early morning tirades (but that’s another story).

The second day, I went out of sheer survival mode. The night before, I went to sleep in my clothes (levi’s, socks, bulky flannel), a mummy bag, and a thick blanket that left me with night sweats. I told Kellee that all I probably needed was the thick blanket, but the funny thing about weather is that it always changes, so the second night it dropped ten degrees while I was wearing shorts and sleeping with only one blanket. I shivered throughout the night, but refused to admit defeat. So, I was up early again this time with a mission; to move my legs, so I could get the feeling back, and to get some hot coffee in my system.

The last morning, well now it has just become tradition.

Every morning was really the same pattern, start walking around 4:50, savor the fresh air, watch as the sunrises on the Mammoth Mountain, walk and gawk at the beauty, get to McD’s a couple minutes after opening, squint at the menu (my contacts are in the Bear Locker too) order my coffee and coke, sit down to be refreshed, go do my business, return for a refill, and head back to camp. That’s my order and I enjoyed the whole experience.

However, on my last morning Calvin interrupted my schedule; I was returning from doing my business, when I notice that I’m not the only customer in the establishment. Near where I’m sitting was an older gentleman taking his medication, who looked very much like Mr. Miyogi, except that his comb over is dyed jet black.

I go back to my seat and began to sip my coffee, when I hear him mumble something at me.

“I’m sorry, what did you say?”

“Are you going fishing?” He asks.

“No.” My answer is short and to the point because his question has only aroused bad memories of epic failed fishing adventures.

Well, why are you up so early?

So, I give him the condensed version of what I have just told you, “I was cold and couldn’t sleep.”

This lead Mr. Jet black haired Miyogi to give me some pointers on sleeping bag attire and lead to thinking this guy is really a nice guy and isn’t great to sit hear and converse with a fellow traveler.

Where are you from?

I tell him and he has never heard of the place, so I simplify and tell him its near LA.

Oh, I’m from Sacramento. I had to get out of there though. There’s a lot of Assholes in Sacramento. I had to get out of there. You know what I mean? Those guys that are assholes in Jr. High and High School and you think he would stop being an asshole when left school, but he isn’t,  he’s still an asshole. There are a lot of those guys out there. Man, there are a lot of assholes!”

The conversation is steered towards occupations and in particular mine. Usually, I don’t go hand out that sort of insight to people I don’t know very well, but it was five in the morning and I still didn’t have my wits about me. Besides, it was dyed, haired- comb over Mr. Miyagi. Maybe, if I had my contacts in I would have noticed that this wasn’t wax-on, wax-off, paint the fence, let me be a peaceful instructor Mr. Miyagi. Rather, this was Cobra Kahn, strike hard strike first Mr. Miyagi.

I work in a Hotel (I tell him my real occupation, but for the story will go with hotel).

Oh, you’re a hotel manager. Then you know about assholes. You must work with a lot of assholes.

I’m not sure if he is talking about my co-workers or clients, but I go along for the ride.

Yup, I’ve been around some assholes.

Do, you like your job.

Yeah, I really enjoy it.

Really, but you work with assholes!

Now the conversation goes down a weird twisted road:

You know in Sacramento there are a lot of assholes! There was one guy, he’s black, you know what I mean? He’s a ….(N- Bomb  dropped and my head does a slight rattle from the explosion). He wanted a ride, and told me he would give me ten bucks, but he never did. So, I told everyone in the complex to watch out from him. One day, he told me “Calvin I’m going to get you! He never did, but I was going to kill him.”

There was another guy from the south…have you ever met an Oakie?

Of course I have and in fact a friend of mine is from Oklahoma. But after the first little story and the fact that another man who looks like he might be from the Appalachians wonders over to join in the conversation, I simply tell him I don’t think I have.

Oh, those guys are weird. It’s just like the movie Easy Rider, when they beat peter Fonda’s friend with a baseball bat! Man, those people are really like that! I mean their crazy. I’ve been in a few Oakie Bars, and thought I should just stick them all in the heart, burn the place down, and be done with it.

Anyways there was one Oakie living in Sacramento who I gave two dollars too, he later ended up chasing me with a butcher knife. I mean those people are crazy. I had a friend offer to hold him down while I repeatedly stuck him with a knife until he died, but I thought, you know it’s not worth it.

At this point the Appalachian fellow who was looking for some delightful conversation found us too be a little unpleasant and politely excused himself, leaving me stuck with Maniac Mr. Miyogi.  And I re-examine my first sighting of Mr. Miyogi when I came out of the restroom. I think about the moment and him knocking back his pills and it hits me…. These are not old man medications! This guy is taking his daily psych meds. Man, I really let my guard down on this one. Now, I’m freaking out inside and trying to remain calm on the outside. I start thinking to myself, “Alright buddy, you really need to leave this situation but do so in a way that’s not going to get this guy flustered anymore than he already is, and leave on good terms.” So, I concede to myself, I might be here awhile.

In the meantime, Calvin is still angrily ranting with his revile and those who had offended him. “there was a guy who lived in my apartment and we were friends, but one day I was watching the Kings game and he just kept looking at me. Finally, I said what the F@#% are you looking at and we started arguing, so I told him he better stay away from me. I told the Managers of the home…”

Home?

Yeah, I was living in an assisted living place.

Anyways, I tell them, keep this guy away from me or I’m going to hurt him. I have the right to defend myself, right? So, I went out and bought some pepper spray, just in case. He stayed away for a couple of months, but one day he was we met on a stairwell. I know he was waiting for me. He came up really close and brushed up against me. I told him, “Hey, You were told to stay away from me.” But he just laughed. He was testing me. What would you have done?

Me? I would have done  exactly what you did and kept walking.

But you work in a Hotel! I should have pepper sprayed him and then stuck him in the heart, right? That’s what you would have done. I mean you use pepper spray in your hotel, right? So, don’t you think I should have sprayed him and then killed that asshole? When I get back there I think I'm going to find him and stick him in the heart, Do you think? Isn't that what you would do?

“No. No,  I think you did the right thing,” I try to reassure him.

My brain is working overtime, trying to find my moment, the right way to politely find my exit like the Appalachian did, when at that moment Kellee’s Uncle and cousin walk into the restaurant.

Oh, there’s my family, I’m suppose to meet up to go hiking. I gotta go.”

Alright, hey remember what I said about those sleeping bags, they have some great deals right now.”